Even in darkness there is hope
by GaelicAngel
Summary: What if life got to much for Dean, making him take a desperate step to end it all. Sam might want to think twice next time he leaves his dangerously depressed brother alone in a room full of weapons. Will Dean end it all by his own hand or will something or someone step in to stop him before it is to late to save the oldest Winchester brother...
1. 1: Part One

**AN:  
**Okay so I was watching Croatoan last night for the millionth time and the part where Dean and Sam are locked into gather with Dean getting all emotional just made me write this and seriously with Dean being able to get really emotional sometimes and with him just bottling up everything this could happen right.  
So I hope you guys like this and stick around to see what happens next. I will be posting the next part of Bloodlies on Monday for all of you that want to read the next chapter but for now I am giving you the first part of...

**Even in darkness there is hope**

**Part One**

The room was semi-dark, the only light coming from the two lamps on either side of the each bed.  
Dean was sitting with his legs crossed in the middle of his bed, tear tracks across his cheeks.  
He starred down at the gun in his hands. The metal cold and smooth underneath his fingertips as he ran them over the barrel of the .45, the pearl handle worn and familiar in the palm of his right hand.

His sigh echoed through the empty motel room.  
Sam was out, said he was going to the library or something. Dean wasn't paying much attention at the moment not that he paid much attention to anything these days.  
He knew Sam was worried about him, had even tried to get Dean to talk to him but no luck and Dean just couldn't summon the strength to care about it.

Dean was dead sure that if Sam knew about what was going on in his older brother's head lately he wouldn't leave Dean alone for two seconds.  
Luckily for Dean he was a master at hiding his feelings and thoughts, never letting Sam see behind the carefully constructed mask he hid behind.

Dean wiped at the fresh tears on his face as his eyes once again tracked over the gun where it was resting in his lap, wondering again if he really could do it, end it like that but then again the alternative wasn't any better, not anymore...

He couldn't take it anymore.  
Couldn't handle the pain in his soul that ate at him every hour of every painful day.  
The responsibilities of his life were slowly killing him. Dean knew it was only a matter of time before he was six feet under or a pile of ash on just another funeral pyre.

The choices he had to make every day.  
The lives he had to try and save.  
The responsibilities of keeping his brother, his Sammy, safe from the dark future and even deadlier destiny that everyone had planned for his little brother.  
It was just getting too much for him to carry and then of course there was the guilt.

Guilt over those that they, he, couldn't save.  
Guilt over those that he himself had to kill, those that who once human that is.  
Guilt every time Sam got hurt, when it was Dean's job to protect him.  
Guilt over their Dad's death.  
It was his fault; their Dad never should have given his life to save Dean's because he was a failure, at life and believe it or not even dying.

A failure because he couldn't stop Sammy from leaving for Stanford.  
Couldn't stop OYE from killing Sammy's girl.  
Couldn't stop Sammy from getting hurt over and over again.  
A failure because he just couldn't keep going anymore. He just didn't have the strength to keep on fighting.  
He's been fighting since he was four years old and Dean was tired right down to his soul.  
It has been twenty –three years and he was done, burnt out.  
Finished.  
It was time to put an end to it all...

**To be continued...( **so guys what did you think of this one, is Sammy gonna get there in time or is something else going to intervene or is Dean going to get his wish to end his own suffering...well I could just tell you but where would the fun be in that so I guess you will just have to read the next chapter.  
Hope you all enjoyed it so please leave a review at the door but please no flames, I don't have the time for it but positive criticism is welcome...Thanks for reading!**)**


	2. 2: Part Two

**Disclaimer:  
**Oh how I wish but I am only playing around and the only thing I own is the idea to this story.

**AN:  
**Okay so as promised yesterday I am posting the new chapter today. Thank you for the wonderful reviews and all the alerts and favourites to this story, it all means a lot to me.  
So yeah I have been meaning to post last week but things got a little hectic...I think that is the right word I am looking for.  
Okay so as some of you may know who or for that who does know, I am the mom of triplets and trust me they can make life crazy but in the last few months I have been in the process of adopting twins and last week Friday they finally got home so I have been busy.  
Sorry for the long wait and I promise to update once every week or second week depending on how life goes.  
I am also in the process of updating Bad Idea! , New Pray, Angelic Intervention and Deadly Heritage soon, the new chapters are done and just have to be gone through one last time and they will be posted so those who haven't read them please, pretty please check them out... if you liked this you will maybe like them to?  
Okay so I ma gonna stop babbling now and leave you with the new chapter of...

**Even in darkness there is hope**

**Part Two**

Looking over at the nightstand Dean's eyes landed on the note he left for Sammy.  
Sam deserved a note, some sort of explanation as to way Dean was about to put a bullet through his own brain. At least he could give his little brother that even though he had failed him in everything else.

_Sammy,  
I want you to know that I will always love you and that this is not your fault so please Little Brother do not blame yourself.  
This is my choice.  
This is the only way I know of to make things finally better, for me and for you.  
Know that no matter what I will always be watching over you and try to keep you save.  
I am so sorry but I just can't, I don't have the strength to fight anymore Little Brother, Please forgive me.  
Be save Sammy,  
Love Dean_

As Dean reread the words he could practically hear his Father's commanding voice screaming in his head not to do this, that this is not the answer.

"Sorry Dad, but I am not following orders this time." Dean whispered to the empty room

Squaring his shoulders, mind made up Dean ejected the clip from the gun, checked it, tapping the cartridge once against the handle before reloading it. After he made sure that there was a bullet in the chamber he slowly clicked of the safety.  
With a surprisingly steady hand Dean brought the gun up to his head and pressed the barrel tight against his right temple, index finger slowly but surely curling around the trigger.  
Closing his eyes as he got ready to put an end to his painful existence...

**To be continued... ****(**Okay guys so please don't kill me for that ending, as I have said before I am only a willing slave to the muse and this was all her idea, the sadistic little winged demoness. I hope you all liked this chapter and depending on how life goes I will update in a few weeks time. Please leave a review before you go but please no flames as they will be used to toast marshmallows on... see you all in the next chapter XOXO**)**


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